About time.

Last year when I was pregnant with my baby girl, in one of the visits to the doctor, I was told things had gotten a little complicated, and that I would need to be on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. The doctor told me I had Placenta Accreta, which means that the placenta starts to adhere to your organs making delivery more dangerous because of  risk of serious bleeding. At first, I thought, I just needed to stay in bed, follow the Dr. recommendations and everything would be fine. But, as we all do, I went ahead and made my google search and wow!. I read many stories from women that went through the same and it was terrifying. I got scared for my baby, and I got extremely scared for my boy. What would be of him if I wasn’t around? Would anybody advocate for his needs as I do? Would anybody love him unconditionally as I do?  When he’s sad, or angry, would anybody know how to soothe him as I do? and I panicked.

The day of my scheduled C-section came and I was terrified. My mom traveled from Venezuela to help me with the kids, because the doctor said he would have to perform an hysterectomy and it would take longer that normal for me to recover, they were expecting a heavy bleeding right after delivery, they were prepared to make blood transfusions, the doctor also told me there were gonna be lots of specialist in the OR just in case.  I was sitting with Laurent in the waiting room when they called my name, to start getting ready to go to the OR. Since this was a delicate operation they had to do it in the OR and they told me Laurent wasn’t allowed to go with me to the prep room or to the OR, and my world collapsed.

There I was in that cold little room, wearing a robe, while nurses checked my blood pressure and put needles all over me and there was nobody holding my hand. My body started shaking and I cried to the point I couldn’t control myself anymore. I begged the doctor to please let Laurent in. So he called another doctor that was gonna be in the OR too and asked but never answered to me.

I remember when I was in the stretcher going from the prep room to the OR, it seemed like it took forever, turn after turn, in and out of the elevator and I felt so fragile, and I felt like a thing more than a human. I was terrified, but then everybody around seemed to be so normal. “The doctors are still discussing wether they will need general anesthesia or just local” and I freaked out again. That would only mean I will miss my baby girl being born! and the unstoppable sobbing started again. “We’re gonna count to three and you’re gonna turn to your side” and while I was still sobbing, I nodded.

I finally saw my doctor, walking really fast towards me with a smile. He said that after discussing it for a while they thought it was better to keep me awake during the C-section, and if things got complicated they had a plan. I cried again, this time out of happiness because I was gonna be able to see my girl taking her first breath, then he smiled again and pointed at the door, and there was Laurent, all scrubbed up with camera in hand!  I was ready!

Thankfully things went better than expected, there was lots of bleeding as expected but I didn’t care, I had Laurent by my side and we, together saw our little precious girl taking her first breath and she was loud!  it took a while for me to get out of the OR after the baby was born but while they were still “working on fixing me” I had my little girl laying on my chest and it was the most amazing things ever.

Days before my baby was born I kept wondering about life and who we are, what we do and our purpose in life. How we are remembered, not by the masses but by our closest ones. The ones that really know us. Since then I’m more aware of time, and life and how fragile we are. How I have to use that time to inspire my kids, to teach them about life, to create memories. I go to bed every night and I think about my day, and besides any adversities,  I know I did at least one thing to get them on the right path. I tell my boy every night to never give up, to always keep trying, I tell him that dreams come true, but we have to work towards them. I do live more everyday thinking that maybe tomorrow won’t be, and it’s not to be tragic, it’s to know that, if there’s not tomorrow, I then, will know, I did the best I could, and I gave my all.

We all have our concept of success. In the past few years mine changed drastically. And I’m blessed for it.

Alice: How long is forever?

White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.

White Bunny

 

6 Comments

  1. Brian · October 13, 2015 Reply

    Gilmar, wow! What a story. Now you sit with two beautiful children and a stud of a man in you life… forever sounds good, right? :D

  2. Elizabeth · October 13, 2015 Reply

    Oh Gilmar! This made me happy cry and want to hug you and every other person in the world. I’m so glad your doctors took good care of you and you’re surrounded with love.

  3. Peter Schmidt · October 14, 2015 Reply

    Gilmar, what a powerful and inspiring story! Thanks for sharing it. :-) :-)

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